What hast I learned today?

A disclaimer that the below is merely some introspective musings related to anxiety. If thou dost not care, thou hast no need to read it, it’s not of any importance, much like most of what I write. Also, “thou” is a funny word. Why do the fair folk still speak in Old English?

For me and my perpetually stressed self, still recovering from quite the negative place, I’ve started to appreciate the concept of peace and quiet. Or as I’ve lovingly started calling it, peas in quite.

I don’t know why I do, it started as a play on words that I used as a Discord status for some time, but it’s grown to encapsulate the concept I’ve been chasing after. The ability to exist on my own terms.

Anxiety is quite one hell of a thing, for if someone that my mind interprets to have remotely negative connotations appears, I’m very quick to panic, without even so much as seeing what they even want first. It’s irrational, it makes no sense, but it’s something I’ve had to live with, due to the underlying assumption that whatever comes up to me, I should resolve as soon as possible. It’s especially made worse with the always-on, always watching monolith that is the internet (and in turn, my phone), making me feel as if I can never catch a break for long enough to sort myself out.

That doesn’t click with “peas in quite” to me. I’m just someone on the internet, someone that happened to lead a large community for quite some time. I shouldn’t be panicking the moment something seems to arise, it’s ultimately not healthy. But, this is only something I’m realizing as of late, and it makes me come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t be setting myself up to inflame the river that is my own anxiety. So, I stepped down from the community I ran, for that reason. I don’t need to stoke my own flames whilst I’m trying to understand them.

Exploring one’s own mental state is a rewarding yet nerve-wracking thing. A lot of people might not get it, but for me, after I found out about what I have, it’s been helping me tremendously. I’m still making bad decisions, just like I have before, but not to the same degree. I’m still a nightmare to be around, but not to the same degree. It’s slow and steady progress, and I really hope by managing to set myself up for less “stakes”, as it were, that it may help in the longer term.

I’d like to point to a pretty good game by the same person who made the old :the game: series. If you have not, check out Adventures with anxiety. It’s rather good in encapsulating what it’s like, though for me, it manifests less as something that speaks, and rather a rush of stress, much like a river on full blast, as my subconscious goes through everything that could happen behind my own back.

It really is awful to not know why you’re reacting the way you are. I really should try and prod further in that more…

But, yes, peas in quite! The act of setting myself up so I’m not feeling as if I have a wall of spikes behind my back at any given point. Having options. Just being another face in the crowd, ultimately. That’s what I feel like I want, but it seems the mental jury’s still out on if it’s a good idea or not.

I should listen to my gut feelings more, though. Being human has all sorts of fun consequences. Hopefully once I can tame the river that is my anxiety, though, I can get back to what I want to do.

Optimistically speaking that I can, anyway. It really does terrible for a witch to be so down all the time.